I feel that for the first time in my life, I'm really seeing this shell I created and am slowly coming out of it. This shell was my way of coping
I had a phone conversation with someone once 2-3 years ago. She told me that I basically created this shell and that I needed to come out of it . This shocked me because she didn't know much about me at the time and yet I felt like I was just made aware of something about myself that was true. And she's right. However, during that time I didn't thoroughly examine this issue. Actually, I was intimidated by the idea of "coming out of my shell" and immediately after she brought it up, a flood of thoughts flowed through my mind to distract me from it. Some of those thoughts were entirely from my imagination and others were from negative past experiences and flaws. In the end, I ditched the idea of coming out of my shell. My shell was my safe haven. It was my own retreat where I could be myself and be anything I want and not be ridiculed, criticized, condemned, and/or misunderstood. When I'm hurt, this is where I would go.
Throughout the last half of last year and the first quarter of this year, I came to realize how alone I was in my so-called safe haven. The underlying feeling of being out-of-place in the world became greater and the idea of me being in a shell began to make more sense. I remember several years back when the recruiter once told me that when he first saw me in high school, I was this really timid kid who was quiet and shy. I laughed it off then but looking back, I really WAS this timid kid lol. What was I afraid of? The world? Whatever this fear is, I'm sure it has a lot to do with the nightmares I kept having over the past year and with me waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning with nothing but negative thoughts. I take all of this as a sign of me really wanting to get of my shell.
Lately I believe I am actually starting to come out of my shell. I've become open to more things now and I am really beginning to believe in myself. I admit I'm still learning this lesson but I now know that my main problem was not believing in myself. Once I start to fully believing in myself, I would know that I have come completely out of my shell
I'm trying to peel off those layers and really understand who I am, I don't have anything to be shy about
